God hadn’t answered my prayers.
He said no.
He said, “Halee, I’ve got bigger and greater things for you, I’m not ready for you yet.”
I wished He hadn’t said so.
I asked something of Him…That now makes me shudder.
I asked Him to take me in my sleep. I was so desperate. So alone. So DONE.
I wanted so badly for my pain to just go away…And it just didn’t. He didn’t say it was time.
Backtrack. I had come close to “killing myself” several times. I would be in the bathtub, and just….Just think of how amazing it sounded to be where He was. And escape from the hell of my thought life that I was in. Evil had such a tight grip on me. So much so that I was wanting it to end.
I would slowly slip under the warm water, the water that I so desperately wanted to be cleansed in, but sin wouldn’t rub off. I couldn’t even scrub it off. I now realize sin is something only God can scrape off, in a dreadfully long, painful experience that is called redemption.
But I wasn’t aware of His grace back then. I didn’t realize how much He loved me, how much He wanted me, how much He was hurting for me. And I just… Well, spat in His face. I placed the power of forgiveness in death’s grimy hands, and I’m so blessed that God re-claimed the power.
I was depressed, binge eating, and absolutely mentally overtaken with dark thoughts. I was in my room whenever I could be. I never wanted to spend time with my family. I hated eating meals altogether, because I just knew in my head, that as we were seated at the kitchen table, they knew that I had been eating way more than what they saw.
I can’t exactly tell you when things got better for me. Somehow, over the years, I guess. I was being pulled from the rubble of what I had made my life to be, and He pulled me from the ashes of my burning city, to the loving arms of my Savior.
When I look back on my past now though, I no longer see a time wasted, or a time that was drenched in sin and darkness, or even as a time of deep separated from my God, because Hallelujah by God’s mercy I wasn’t separated from Him! Not once!
I was pushing and pulling and grabbing at things the world was presenting to me. Some image of fulfilment that I thought measured up to His version…But I guess I hadn’t seen what He could and had done, or else I know I would’ve been shocked at my futile efforts and sped His way
I can’t imagine how my life would be now if I had eagerly followed through my suicidal plans. I might be dead, but I think He would have let me live, and I would be much more miserable now with the embarrassment and consequences that I even was before.
I have a message for the weary. I ‘m not like the commercials and the hotlines and the nosy neighbors who tell you you’re fine, cause I know you’re really not. You’re shattered and slowly dying. I know you look around at everyone and feel like screaming at them to wake up and pay attention to what you’ve become. But even though I know how you feel, and I know what you’re feeling is 100 ‰ real, I couldn’t write up this article without telling you how to come out of it.
If you don’t know Christ, please, please find Him. It probably won’t take long, since He’s probably right behind you, chasing you and waiting for you. But please, just find your refuge in Him.
If you DO know Christ, but are still running like I was, take a pause and a look at what you’re doing in your life right this moment. Examine your efforts. Consider the good or bad consequences. Is this where you want to still be 10 years from now?
I hope this post finds you in a weary state, and I hope God takes you into a place of green meadows, to lie down beside still waters, and to rest in His arms.